May 302006
A friend recently confessed to me, “I think I sometimes pretend that you’re not in a wheelchair because you’re such a, well, normal guy. But I know I shouldn’t do that because your disability shapes so much of who you are.” Her honest assessment of her own perception of me made me wonder: what role do I play in reinforcing my friend’s selective view of me. In my efforts to put people around me at ease, I probably do tend to minimize my disability and its implications for my daily existence. I don’t get into the details of it unless someone specifically asks me, mostly because I assume these things about me aren’t very interesting.
But as my friend remarked, my disability is an essential part of who I am and I want the people in my life to acknowledge it without making it the totality of my identity. I used the analogy of hair color or eye color with my friend; a characteristic that is distinguishable but not defining. But that’s not quite right either. Having hazel eyes isn’t going to make it difficult for me to enter someone’s split-level house. Maybe being friends with me is like being friends with–I don’t know–a vegan. You have to give a little thought to where you’re going to take your friend when you go out, but you don’t spend too much time thinking about your friend’s veganism, other than the occasional question prompted by simple curiosity.
I also had to contradict my friend’s notion that I have “all [my] shit together.” Because I most definitely do not. I keep a separate blog that chronicles my insecurities, my self-destructive behavior, and my assorted fetishes. But there’s no way in hell I’m providing that link. You’ll simply have to rely on your imagination.
Mark –
Dare I say that perhaps there are similarities with respect to identity with someone who’s gay? There are times when it really defines your perspective, and people’s perceptions, and other (well, most) times when it recedes into the background amid the bustle of daily life. I can choose to bring it forward at my option, or on occasion encounter others who do so. There’s a tension between wanting to be perceived as my “real self,” separate from the implications of a label, but also wanting to have this other part of my identity recognized and even valued, rather than ignored, pitied, detested, etc.
another thought-provoking post, as always!