Stephen Hawking is warning that humanity should keep quiet and not seek out contact with extraterrestrials because they might be more interested in plundering our planet than having a symposium on the meaning of life. Of course, this is utter nonsense. My Altairian overlords assure me that, once they arrive, they first thing they will do is provide guided tours of their mothership (kids under 12 get in free). Oh, sure, they might help themselves to a few resources that we’re not using, like manganese and a few certain subspecies of the earthworm. I mean, does anyone even know what manganese is? They also mentioned that they had some ideas on the whole overpopulation thing, but when I asked them for details they just changed the subject. Altairians can be kind of scatter-brained.
I also promised them that nobody would mind if they “borrowed” Hawking for some medical experiments as soon as I’m done kicking his ass in our zero-g deathmatch. It would serve him right for being such an alarmist.
This really cheered me up… on this fresh Sunday evening when I have just watched an alarming programme about the end of fossile fuel supplies and the terrible wars that may result from this trouble.