What All The Suburban Gimps Will Soon Be Driving

When I’m cruising the streets in my wheelchair, I often find myself thinking, “Gee, I really wish this thing had a DVD player. And a water tank. And a laptop computer. And enough lights to illuminate a city block.” Well, Jesse Leaman hasn’t just thought about it. He’s gone and built the Gryphon Shield, a wheelchair so pimped out that it should be starring in its own music video surrounded by gyrating women in thong bikinis. No word on whether the rumors linking Gryphon Shield with Lil’ Kim are indeed true.

I’m a simple man when it comes to accessorizing my chair. All I want is a built-in artificial intelligence that will discuss current events with me, as well as assist me in my nefarious plans to achieve world domination. It should sound similar to KITT from Knight Rider, but slightly less prissy.