Breathing Lessons

Dear Chief Justice Rehnquist:
I hope you’re adjusting to life with a tracheotomy. As I’m sure you’re discovering, it takes a bit of getting used to. Your mouth and nose won’t play their traditional roles anymore. You’ll have to make a deliberate effort to smell something. You’ll have to be careful not to button your shirt collar over the trach tube. Neckties present similar challenges. Given your specific health condition, you shouldn’t have any problems eating. Talking might take some practice, though. With a tracheotomy, air leaves the body before it can pass the vocal cords. So you’ll either have to plug the tube with your finger or get it fitted with a one-way valve. You might notice that your voice is softer or raspier. If you’re finding that counsel is having trouble hearing your questions during oral arguments, just have Justice Thomas repeat them for you. It might have the added effect of forcing him to sit up and listen a little more closely himself.
If you have any questions about living happily with a trach, have one of your clerks give me a call. My consulting fee is very reasonable.
Sincerely,
Mark